One Step at a Time

Making Crisis Work for you

2006-06-05T03:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't read the book, I think I bought it, and perhaps I could write it. I don't want to come off as cocky, or having figured it all out here, because I know that humility is the only path to understanding, I know that having figured it all out will be the surest path to having to walk this path completely over. I still have a sense that I have changed at some core level, and this is a good thing.

I went to South Africa! (Pause for effect) I still can't believe that I'm a travel slut, but I am proud of this newest change in my life. It was supposed to be a trip for both my husand and myself, but the drunk driving charge in Feb that he had really stopped his ability to leave the city, much less the country. So, I considered ... I should continue to do what I was wanting to do, I had a group with me, so I could go still, and I did. Before I left though, I contacted his daughter. She had been wanting to come and visit, so I suggested this would be a great time to visit so my alcoholic would not be left at home alone. She didn't get here soon enough.

While I was in South Africa, he spent the week in jail. This probation monitoring is finally over, so his days of being hauled off to jail will end now ... but the forced attendance of counseling and AA also end. I look at that as a good thing, if he attends on his own, he will be more committed to the answers that he finds there.

I came home early from work last Wed and found him asleep on the couch with a bottle beside him at 2 pm. My decisions then are to
1. wake him and shout til his ears turn red
2. quickly hide the bottle so he can't find it when he wakes
3. sob and cry, after all, he is doing this to me somehow, isn't he
4. feel resentment and anger, kick the dog, do some passive aggressive behaviors at him
5. Do what I had come home for anyway, grab some aspirins and take a nap ... don't let his behavior affect my life and my choices
6. Give it to the Goddess ... she will provide an answer

I took a nap and said a prayer.

My sweet alcoholic woke later, realized that I was home, and was not sure what was in store. I waited until later, when we had tea, and were sitting and talking to bring up to him what I had seen and how I felt. This was unacceptable behavior, and couldn't he clearly see that he has a problem if he is doing this. He has been to 2 AA meetings since this time, and has said that I have no idea how this affected him. I feel thankful to know that I turned to God, and the answer came to me, honesty and discussion.

I am still taking this one day at a time. The biggest danger I feel is creating expectations that are not met, I am just living day by day, and trying to remember to speak to Goddess when I have questions and decisions to make.

A Dance of Steps

2006-05-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I attended an AFG state conference, Life is A Dance of Steps was the theme.

I had so many self realizations that still need processing.

The first one, and a major one ... this so much has very little to do with my alcoholic, it is about me, and always has been about me, before I even knew this program, I needed this program. I spent a bit of time in grief over the lost years - I could have gained this self realization so many years ago, before I ever realized I needed it, the answers were there. I am just grateful now to be a member of Al Anon, and I feel this is a life program that has many answers for me, even before I know the questions, I'm seeing answers.

I have struggled somewhat with why this program is so important to me. My love seems to have found recovery, and I think but I still need this program desperately, so it is about me, my past issues with my parents and ex husband that I need to put into order. The recovery is elusive however, and I, with my rose colored glasses, keep thinking the problems that he has are over, and then I learn again that he has has just started a pathway to recovery, the problems are far from over.

I am powerless

2006-04-28T03:36:00.000-07:00

I have written many posts to this blog that never get finished, never get published, or thoughts that never get written. This is a time of self awareness and understanding.

There was a lapse a week ago, my alcoholic, had a drink. I was distraught, maybe more because of what I had depended on him to do for me that day that did not get done, and maybe because of the fear that this will never end and it would start over again. I wanted to rant, he knew I was upset, but I told him I was going downstairs to read. He went to bed. I sat in the dark and sobbed, cried ... my life is becoming unmanageable.

In the morning, I woke and he had completed all that I had needed him to do. He knew I had depended on him, and he didn't let me down, as much as he could control for that day.

And then yesterday, is it a weekly thing now? Family in from out of town, they are drinking, how hard this must be for him. I'm at work all day and he needs to work, if he keeps drinking, he'll never focus himself for a good career again. I knew he had been drinking, he denied it, again ... it doesn't even matter any more. I don't let my sensors be fooled by what he says, I need to trust my own senses again.

I have no control over this, I'm powerless here. I've written him a long letter explaining my feelings about yesterday, knowing that talking to him last night would not have made any difference. I took the bottle out of the cupboard, that he bought for family to enjoy, and that tempts him too much and I placed it in the freezer, telling myself that it's better cold anyway, knowing he'll not find it there too.

The letter, at attempt at control, moving the alcohol, an attempt ... and I have to admit, neither will work. I am feeling powerless, admitting that I'm powerless.

I think I said this at step one in the beginning, yes, it's easy to say and go yes, that's right I suppose I am powerless. It is an entirely different thing to actually feel the loss of power in a situation, and at some point to even quit trying to exert power.

I am still walking this step, but I am beginning to feel the rhythm of it.

I am From

2006-04-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

A group of sisters that I love, were talking of where we are from, these poems emerged, this is where I am from ...

I am from a city of factories, of smoke and polluted skies, racial strife, poverty, and family disharmony
I am from a childhood of shakespeare, of poetry, of simon and garfunkel, of words, beautiful words, and loneliness
I am from alcohol, a father who criticized, who shouted, and sometimes hit, and who thankfully was never there
I am from a family of women, a baby sister, a big sister who was my mother, us three for just a while
I am from the depths of low, no esteem, I accepted the first man that approached, knowing deep inside, he was wrong, it was wrong
My wild woman screamed and I ignored her

I am from the intellect, the mind, academia, where I felt strong, I hidthere
I am from abuse, verbal, physical, and self accepted, what else could I do
I am from JL Hudsons, a product there, in this department and that, sold and bought, sold and bought, here I'm valued, my creativity released, here I hide again, always returning home each night, to a home that was not home
I am from anxiety, fear, anger, depression, confusion, and then finally nothing, numbness
My wild woman was silent, did I even have one, I panicked, where was she?

I searched ....
I found women that searched with me
I found the Goddess, I found self love, I found serenity, it fleets now and then, but it is mine to hold
I found peace, and beauty when I found my wild woman, promises to her to never ignore her words again
I am from Vasalisa, I am from the words that she speaks to me, she is the one that called me out of hiding
I am from the waters , the east bay, the west bay, the beaches, the shorelines, the waters of my birth,
I am from the land, the lush grasses, the trees, the sand dunes, the rocks beside my home, the hills on the horizon
I am from the fairy knoll across the way
I am from the fire, the passion, feelings that I touch often now, and deeply - having once lost them
I am from love, for the earth, for my sisters, for my lover, his kindness caresses me, he cares for me, he loves me as I love myself
I am from the mother, the grandmother, the father, that I have learned to accept and love
I am from Wild Woman

Step One - Part 3

2006-04-12T03:28:00.000-07:00

From Paths to Recovery:
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

This starts to get harder over time, doesn't it? You don't just suddenly make a decision to not involve yourself in another's life problems, to not create havoc or over react when you see habits and characteristics that you just yearn to control. Yes, I yearn to control, and I have a problem, just as he does ... we just have different problems.

So he's late, I want to leave NOW, and he's not ready and I hate walking in late to my al anon meeting, I so look forward to these meetings. Ideally, I suppose I could say, I'm leaving now and just leave and then he'd have to go separately if he still wanted to go, that would be a method of caring for my needs, a detaching rather than getting upset about being late. But, so many other factors ... he can't drive, he needs to go as much as I, gas is almost 3 dollars a gallon and it's a half hour drive, and this is something that we were doing together, so I don't want to just leave him and go. But I also don't want to be upset on the drive there, and feel stress and pressure ... I'm looking for a life with serenity, so is it to just be accepting of the fact that we're going to be late, and not rail against the inevitable. Am I try to control, to make sure that he's aware of how this upsets me, and make sure he won't be late next time. Is that all that bad of a thing, to make him aware of my emotions? It's not, but the intensity of the emotions, that is.

He is a bit more snappish than when he was drinking, not bad and he apologized, I think just 2 small incidents in this past week. He is critical, a perfectionist of a lot of things, and yet he spends a good deal of time watching daytime tv ... but he is getting some things done now, and should get his license in a couple of weeks so he can start looking for work then. Work, would be a good solution to many of the problems, we both know that.

He is also just as much of a sweetheart as he was before, caring for me, touching me as we pass, kissing throughout the day, bringing me coffee and breakfast in bed, tucking me in at night, holding hands as we watch tv. He's still the man he was before when he was drinking, and he reminds me it hasn't been that long of time, he feels how hard this recovery is, the pressure of it. I've told him how proud I am of him, no matter how long its been. You have to be proud every day, this is all day by day ... for him and for me.

I told my Al Anon group last night that I was just a fetus in this program, the more I watch myself, the more I know how much I need to change to be the person I want to be, there is so much self work to do here, so many steps yet to take.

Step One - 2

2006-04-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Stepwork From Paths to Recovery
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

A few weeks ago, I would have said I wasn't sure it was really a 'disease' per se, but I have changed that opinion. A couple of Wednesday educational classes at the Munson Community Health Center, some interspection, and yes ... I do believe that alcoholism is a disease, and yes this does change how I deal with someone that is afflicted with this dissease.

A disease is defined as a chronic, progressive, morbid process with a characteristic train of signs and symptoms whose etiology (cause), pathology, outcome, and treatment may be known or unknown.

Alcoholism is chronic, the third stage can take up to 20 to 25 years. It is progressive, it becomes worse over time. It can be characterized by loss of control over alcohol, meaning a loss of predictability.

An alcoholic may not drink daily, or always drink to a state of intoxication, but the key is unpredictability ... the outcome of sitting down and having a drink is not predictible, the plan may be to have one or two and head home and this may happen some nights, but other nights ... it doesn't. The alcoholic should ask themselves these questions:
1. Did my use of alcohol cause major life problems for me?
2. Once I realized it caused me a problem, did I stop?

The 3 phases of alcoholism and the signs and symptoms are as follows:
Early - blackouts, drinking to seek relief, drunk driving
Middle - Social and family life problems, poor job performance or loss of job, legal and financial problems, relationship problems
Third - The body begins to give out, liver, pancreatis, DT's, hallucinations, convultions

You can see that alcoholism fits the defination of a disease. There has been a great success in treating alcoholism as a disease, rather than someone that has poor will power. Scientists do have some theories on causes and cures for alcoholism. Please note that I am not a scientist, merely a wife that took some notes at a lecture, so if I'm off a bit, or unclear a bit, these are just my notes, not quotes or documented findings.

Alcoholism is hereditary, this has been proven and it is thought to be due to the way that the alcoholic's brain processes alcohol, a chemical reaction. Alcohol breaks down to a formaldyhyde type of compound, and then to a vinegar like compound as it is processed in the body. The alcoholic may have a chemical release which connects to the formaldyhyde compound and creates a TIQ compound, something that does not happen to everyone that drinks alcohol. TIQ's are extremely addictive, and rats have been known to die for lack of eating and drinking just to get more of a TIQ. It becomes a need, not a desire.

Alcholism can also happen due to long years of abusing alcohol, it is not always due to heredity, so the causes are still under research. But the fact that alcoholism is a disease was proven to me beyond a doubt, I do believe that it is.

So how does this change the way in which I deal with the drinker in my life? I deal with him with compassion, with great admiration for the way in which he is battling this disease, with hope for his recovery, and with love for him unconditionally. He is my love no matter what diseases he has, and just like the prostate cancer, that we battled together so successfully, we will battle this disease as well.

Step One

2006-04-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

The say the first step is the hardest, and taking a step to create a blog as been a long time coming. I now have steps to take, and a place to them. This first step will be small, as I see how my footprints look in the sand, get over the trepidation of even walking out here ... but here I go.

My husband is home, from 14 days of alcoholic treatment services. I'm feeling much more settled, much more serene than I thought I could feel a few weeks ago. 3 Weeks of Al Anon, and I am starting now to look at the steps, and how do I do Step Work? I haven't found a sponsor yet, so this site, this will be my step work, and I'm hoping to find a small AlAnon circle within this blog community. This will be a good step.

I have resources - Paths to Recovery, Al Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, and I questions to work with, steps to master, and as always, so little time - I've spent so much time on this setup, my profoundness will surely come days later, so keep reading, and responding, I am open to guidance.

Step One -
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Question-
Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking, another person's behavior?

When you read this, it is so obvious. Of course, I cannot control another person. And yet, I tried.

I tried to give him a plan - don't drink before 5, don't lie to me, don't hide that liquor, it goes in the cupboard for god's sake, and yes, even searching for where they were hidden, pouring bottles out the drain - he buys more, taking away his debit card, my god, was I treating him like a child or what. I also tried yelling, crying, being mad, being sad ... none of those things worked.

I had so many ideas of how he could quit, things he could do, but then I wasn't always aware that he was drinking, I just saw that he wasn't doing anything else. I had so much advice for him, so many excellent ideas ... god I could live his life, I knew how. I don't think I was living my own though, so therein lies the problem.

I do accept that I cannot control his drinking or his behavior. I also accept that his behavior is HIS behavior, not mine. We are 2 different people, and my job is to be the person that I am completely, to stop trying to wear his shoes and show him how to walk. I will take my steps, and he will take his.

This is a big step ... the first ones always are.